By Ebony Lindsay
Disclaimer: the following article talks about a variety of possibly triggering mental health issues that may cause discomfort or stress.
Domestic violence is oftentimes silent, affecting one in four women in Australia, and includes psychological and physical abuse. It often creeps in slowly, before the victim is aware of their situation. So once they do realise, how do they get out?
Sharon was one of those women, trapped for 17 years in the house and arms of a man who drained her of the woman she was. She tells us her heartwrenching yet uplifting story of how not only did she break free but how she became a brighter version of herself.
Sharon said she never once saw the abuse coming.
“Because until it’s too late you don’t know what’s truly happening.”
The last three years were by far the worst – although she acknowledged the abuse was always there but hidden.
“Things I thought were masculine and traditional were not,” said Sharon. “They were control, manipulation, degradation and intimidation.”
Her ex-husband abused her emotionally, psychologically and financially. He took control over her through his words and his actions, manipulating her slowly and quietly.
“The best abusers do these things in a way that is so subtle it’s not recognisable,” she said.
Sharon said there were multiple walls blocking her path to escape: her children, her own doubts, her lack of education, and her own silence. These things all serve as reasons to stay, to take the abuse and swallow it down.
“I had no skills other than being a mum.”
As it worsened and her children grew older and more aware, Sharon realised that she needed to get out, for herself and for her two daughters. She had spent the years convincing herself that her daughters were blind to the true dynamic of their mother and father’s relationship, until they revealed their awareness.
“The day my eldest asked why I hadn’t left him was the worst day of my life,” she said.
“Even right up until one second before that conversation I still was trying to convince myself that I was shielding them from him. So having my own daughter make me aware that both my children know everything was heartbreaking.”
When she finally left her ex-husband, she felt the lowest she had ever felt. She mourned not her marriage, but her role as a mother, “the only role I ever cared about”. Which she believed she had failed.
Despite Sharon’s life crashing around her, she stayed strong. She proved to herself, her children and her ex-husband she could make do, that she could build a life and an identity that truly was hers.
She began attending psychologist sessions weekly and has done so for two years now since their separation. While she acknowledges there is still a long way to go, she has become the best version of herself and her mental health has too become the best it has been in quite a long time.
Sharon now solely raises and provides for her youngest daughter. She studied and earned her own degree, which in turn got her a job she can live off independently, and now rents a safe home for herself and her youngest daughter. These were all things, “I never thought I could achieve in a million years”.
Somedays, she still reflects on the past and regrets her choices but, instead of staying silent, through her psychology sessions she’s made changes with how she deals with her pain.
“I learnt to let go of self hate and I learnt to love myself and others again, I trust and I talk.”
Sharon still suffers from self doubt and battles PTSD but she knows she will heal eventually.
The truth she, “never used to believe but I do now”.
Sharon’s battle is still not over. Despite being separated she is not legally divorced from her ex-husband. She is not backing down and is proving to herself and her children the woman she has now become.
Her story is one not for sensitive ears, it is chilling and hard to swallow. But it is a reality for hundreds of people out there and it is a motivator many need to hear.
It serves as an inspiration to speak up when you are falling victim to domestic violence because you are never alone.
She opened herself up to her children, her friends and professional help and has become a woman of strength just like many others out there.
Featured image: Sharon has emerged from her ordeal a stronger woman. Photo: David Howard/CC/Geograph
